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FEW GOOD LAWYERS 12/1/2004
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping
in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me
screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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A LITTLE TESTY 12/1/2004
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for
her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects
she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving
me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're
giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places
that I've never grown hair before.''
...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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REAL BALL BUSTER 12/1/2004
"Doc, " says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about
for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?"
asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation
and once it's done, there's no going back. It will
change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 3 12/1/2004
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
<br>
A: This is perfectly natural behavior, and it should be
encouraged. Man is a hunter gatherer and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable,
a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at
how emotional and happy the ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 4 12/1/2004
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
<br>
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you
must mess with it, do it on your own time. To help with the
family budget you may want to video tape yourself while
doing this, and to sell it at car-booth sales. To ease your
selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and
cook him a delicious meal.
0 Comments, 25 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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DIET COUNSELING 12/1/2004
Carrying a cheeseburger in each pocket does not count as
balanced diet.
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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A SHAVE AND A SHINE 12/1/2004
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's
chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight
edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine
his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and
spend some time in a hotel ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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ACCIDENT ON THE GOLF COURSE 12/1/2004
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "
How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week
and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a
splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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ACT OF GOD 12/1/2004
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed
to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition
to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only
fair, and approved it. When the next arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved
the increase. Several years and five later, the
congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
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ADAM AND EVE, SURPRISED 12/1/2004
Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam
got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until
Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know
how far its gonna go.”
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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ALL I WANT IS A BEER 12/1/2004
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his
hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm,
a beer would be really nice right now." So he began
to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for
a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually
went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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ART GALLERY NUDES 12/1/2004
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked
women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife
doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
<br>
The husband replies, "Autumn"
0 Comments, 29 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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ASK THE DOCTOR 12/1/2004
A woman pregnant with her first paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly
said, ''My husband wants me to ask you..., ''
to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know, ''
placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I
get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it, '' the woman
confessed. ''He wants to know if I can ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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BABE WATCH 12/1/2004
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor
of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing
on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing
suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight,
and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on
a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love
to you please pull on the string once. If not please ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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BABY,I'VE GOT QUESTION FOR YOU 12/1/2004
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't
be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it
going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you
would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can
satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help. You ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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BILL GATE'S HARD DRIVE 12/1/2004
Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights
to Viagra?
He's renaming it MICROHARD
0 Comments, 40 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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BISHOP AND THE ASS 12/1/2004
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in racing, decided to
purchase a and enter it in the races. However, at the
local auction, the going price for horses was so high that
he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since
he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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BROTHER IS 12/1/2004
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give
me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of
a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is
gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for
the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem
was today the answer came back, "I've just found
out that my younger ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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BUBBA'S SECRET 12/1/2004
A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty
drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who,
as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the
guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why
he's got the biggest schlong around.
“Well, ” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my
dick and tap it on the bedpost ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
8 Votes
,1.86 Score
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DON'T MESS WITH THE JUDGE 12/1/2004
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started
a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the
drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?” The man said,
“Here and there.” The judge asked the man, “What do you do
for a living?”
The man said, “This and ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
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LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE 11/30/2004
1) That's not right ......................... Sum
Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai
Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum
Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum
Fuk
5) Small ............................... Tai
Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So
Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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ONE FLAW IN WOMEN 11/26/2004
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day
of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending
so much time on this one?" <br>
<br>
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet
on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to
run on diet coke and leftovers, have a ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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SIGNS THAT WILL BRING A SMILE 11/26/2004
---
> > In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR
> BELOW.
> > In a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE
> REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
> > In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY
> THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING
> BOARD.
> > Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING, ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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BREAST FED 11/23/2004
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby
was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip
down to
your waist, " the doctor ordered. She did. He
pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a
while in detailed examination. Motioning ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score
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NEVER LOSE YOUR PHONE 11/23/2004
There are several men sitting around in the locker room
of a local golf
club after a round, showering and getting ready for the
19th hole.
Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One
of the men
picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
H: Hello
W: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
H: Yes
W: Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
14 Votes
,6.82 Score
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I've got rash! 11/4/2004
This fella goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, ,i've
got rash round my dick, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor says, " Put this on and come back if it doesnt
work"
The guy comes back the next week and the cream hadnt worked
so he tells the doctor, and the doctor gives him more cream
and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The guy came back and cream stil hasn't ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Where is Jesus? 11/4/2004
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concern that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus becoz
of the christmas season emphasized on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occured a long time ago, that he grew up etc..So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today"?
Steven raised his hands and said."He is in heaven"
Mary was called on ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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knows the answer! 11/4/2004
One day at kindergarden, a teacher said to the class of
5 yrs old, "I will give $2 dollars to the who
can tell me, who was the most famous man who ever lived".
An Irish boy put his hands up and said, "It was St.
Patrick"!
The teacher said, " Sorry Sean thats not correct".
Then a Scottish boy put his hands up and said, "It
was St. Andrews".
The teacher replied, "Im sorry Hamish, ,thats ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Improvements in Hell 10/28/2004
An engineer died and ended up in Hell.He was not pleased
with the level of comfort in hell.And he begun to redesign
and build improvements.After a while, they had toilets
that flush, air conditioning and escalators.Every one
grew very fond of him.
One day God called Satan to mock him."So hows it going
down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great.We've
got air conditioning, ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Catholic Dog, 10/28/2004
Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside
with his pet of many years.Eventually, his died
of old age.Muldoon went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old is dead, could you be saying
a mass for the poor creation?"
Father Patric replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry
to hear of your dogs death but we can't be holding services
for an animal in the church.However, theres a new ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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