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MODERN TIMES 12/20/2004
You know you're living in the modern age when . . .
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
<br>
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
<br>
3. You have a list of 15 to reach your family
of 3.
<br>
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
<br>
5. Your reason for not staying in touch ...
1 Comments, 153 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
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SAVING MONEY 12/20/2004
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist`s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple
finished, the doctor said, "There`s nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse, " and charged
them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
9 Votes
,1.72 Score
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POLITICS EXPLAINED 12/20/2004
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
<br>
1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
<br>
2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call
her the Government.
<br>
3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll
call you the People.
<br>
...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
11 Votes
,1.86 Score
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LETTER FROM A CONCERNED SENIOR CITIZEN 12/20/2004
To Whom It May Concern, I am a senior citizen. During the
Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well
paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacations
homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire
life change for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons
in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
As a ...
1 Comments, 113 Views,
11 Votes
,2.79 Score
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THE ANT & THE GRASSHOPPER-OLD & NEW VERSION 12/20/2004
~THE OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the
Summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
<br>
~THE MODERN VERSION:
The ant works ...
1 Comments, 122 Views,
10 Votes
,0.80 Score
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ALCOHOL WARNING LABEL 12/20/2004
Due to increasing product liability litigation, alcohol
manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all alcohol containers/bottles:
<br>
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
<br>
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing ...
2 Comments, 188 Views,
15 Votes
,2.06 Score
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do you believe in love at first sight? or sex after sight? 12/14/2004
people who goes on seb... is it bad or what?
some people if they want their ka eb or type they just throw
in their selves AND bang in each others. damn is this what
society is now? oh... ive heard lots of people doing the
same thing and after seb they sometimes pregnant them.
witout using any contraceptives... agre dis-agree? what
ever. you should have not done it with someone you dont ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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THE BARBER 12/9/2004
There is this good old barber in some city in the United States.
One day a postman goes to him for a haircut. After the cut,
he goes to
pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry.
I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The postman is happy
and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes
to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a stamps ...
1 Comments, 293 Views,
43 Votes
,6.49 Score
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Galing Talaga Ng Pinoy 12/9/2004
1) A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need advice
on how to have a ." Yank: Keep trying! Briton:
Change doctor! Aussie: Follow a special diet. Indian:
Practice Yoga! Pinoy: LET ME TRY! 2) Population policies
of countries: China: Stop at 1 . Singapore: Stop at
2 Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.! 3) Ano kadalasan
ang sinasabi kapag nautot? American: Excuse me. British:
Pardon me. Pinoy: NOT ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
23 Votes
,6.63 Score
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INSIDER'S GUIDE TO MALE VOCABULARY 12/8/2004
"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice
ass."
"I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."
"I need you." = "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys." = "I
am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick
of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
= "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better." = ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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MEN VS. WOMEN 12/8/2004
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and
a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
<br>
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
A: 45 minutes.
<br>
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
<br>
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
<br>
Q: How can you tell if your wife is ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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MALE SEX TEST 12/8/2004
Gentlemen Please Take the Following TEST
<br>
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
<br>
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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BIZARRE LAWS 12/8/2004
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following
Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with
a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm ok,
I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)
<br>
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations
with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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HOROSCOPE 12/8/2004
AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive
thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless
and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
<br>
PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you
are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over
your friends and people resent you for ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
14 Votes
,3.14 Score
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THE JEWISH VOTE 12/8/2004
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush,
they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
0 Comments, 40 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN 12/8/2004
Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly
gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all
evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas,
he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing
the holiday with them.
One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in.
Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in.
The ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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CHRISTMAS COP 12/8/2004
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light, and next to him was a on his shiny new
bike.
The cop said to the , "Nice bike you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?"
<br>
The said, "Yeah."
<br>
The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a
taillight on that bike."
<br>
The cop then proceeded to issue the a $20 ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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SMART PILLS 12/8/2004
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they
saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What
is that?''
''They're smart pills, '' said
the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make
you smarter.
<br>
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
<br>
''See, '' said the other boy, ''you're
already getting smarter.''
0 Comments, 49 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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CHRISTMAS DAY CARD SHOPPING 12/8/2004
Valentine's Day Card Shopping
<br>
A woman went to the mall to buy Christmas Day cards for her
and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded
her.
<br>
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything
for ex-husbands."
<br>
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am,
they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."
...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
14 Votes
,3.46 Score
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DON'T LEAVE HIM HANGING 12/8/2004
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
<br>
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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I'D RATHER HAVE A PUPPY 12/8/2004
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan
they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father
“Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making
a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having
sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The
father ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
11 Votes
,2.42 Score
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BURGER RESTAURANT 12/8/2004
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale
hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to
a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close
to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek,
which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you theowner?" <br>
she asks, now softly ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
32 Votes
,3.24 Score
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A NAMED SEX 12/8/2004
Everybody who has a calls him "Rover" or
"Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's
a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
<br>
When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the
clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd
like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,
"You don't understand. ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
41 Votes
,7.71 Score
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AN INNOCENT SMART 12/8/2004
A Nun teaching Sunday School, was speaking to her class
one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When
you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think the hands."
"Why do you think the answer are your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
35 Votes
,7.99 Score
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TWO PRIESTS ON VACATION 12/8/2004
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were
determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane
landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, among others. The next morning,
they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
29 Votes
,6.95 Score
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 2 12/1/2004
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on
him.
<br>
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories per spoonful.It is nutritious and helps you to
keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. It also
adds protein to your hair and keeps it naturally lustrous.
Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform
oral sex ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 1 12/1/2004
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex
with me and my sister.
<br>
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get
enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister.
Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family
together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still
apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 5 12/1/2004
Q: My husband is not interested in foreplay.
<br>
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that
you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work
a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area,
and make it up to him by buying him a nice expensive present
and cook him a nice meal.
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
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DEAR Mr. ABBY 6 12/1/2004
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
<br>
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.
Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him
by buying him a nice expensive present ... and don't
forget to cook him a nice delicious meal.
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
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10 THINGS IN GOLF THAT SOUND DIRTY 12/1/2004
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves
a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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