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DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT 4/26/2005
A woman's dishwasher quit working one day so she called
a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she
told the repairman, "I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the
bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check."
<br>
"Oh, and by the way, don't worry about my bulldog.
He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY ...
1 Comments, 230 Views,
20 Votes
,4.78 Score
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Wanna swing? 4/26/2005
There was that girl in a disco who walked to a man and asked:
"Marunong ka
bang mag-SWING"
Yumabang bigla ang guy and said... "Bakit? mukha
ba akong Dance Instructor?
Naasar ang GIRL kaya sumagot.. "Hinde, mukha ka kasing
UNGGOY!!!
0 Comments, 182 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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What do they really mean? 4/26/2005
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
...
0 Comments, 213 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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24 hours to live... 4/14/2005
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told
his wife Doreen, that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agrred and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, dave went to her again and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe
we could make love
again?"
Doreen agreed and they ...
0 Comments, 163 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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A girl and a boy 4/14/2005
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said...no.
<br>
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and
he said no.
<br>
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once
again he replied with a no.
<br>
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears were streaming
down her face.
<br>
The boy grabbed her arm and ...
1 Comments, 207 Views,
13 Votes
,4.82 Score
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What Women Want in a Man 4/14/2005
What Women Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
<br>
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Stress Reliever 4/14/2005
Stress Reliever # 1
<br>
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What
other problem can there be greater than this one?"
...
0 Comments, 157 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Never try to out-smart a woman... 4/14/2005
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all
of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
<br>
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with
me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
<br>
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when ...
0 Comments, 228 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
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laugh w/ own jokes 4/13/2005
a girl spying his boy in order for her to prove that he is true.then
she made herself a two-faced woman..then she talk to her
boy as his girl and at the same time talk to him as her new friend.then
the boy is already busy talking with them. as if he's
not talking w/ other, he did his best to reply right away..then
it came to the point that the message for the friend is sent
to her girl..the ...
1 Comments, 181 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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distraught?!? 3/23/2005
When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's
grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone
several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly
clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted
upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning
softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over
and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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CIA AND THE WOMAN 3/19/2005
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were
three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are.
<br>
Inside this room, you will ...
12 Comments, 608 Views,
43 Votes
,5.35 Score
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SENIOR MOMENTS 3/17/2005
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant
one morning. Ethelnoticed something funny about Mabel's
ear and she said, " Mabel, did youknow you've
got a suppository in your left ear?"
<br>
Mabel answered, " I have a suppository?" She
pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel,
I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."
...
0 Comments, 155 Views,
8 Votes
,0.47 Score
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THE RODEO 3/17/2005
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits
they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully
nudged her husband in the ribs ans said, "He mated
50 times last year."
<br>
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said, "This ...
0 Comments, 132 Views,
9 Votes
,0.65 Score
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THE FAITHFUL BELIEVER 3/17/2005
Once there was a man who was devout and would regularly pray
to God. One could say his faith in God was exemplary. One
day it so happened that there were flash floods and the man's
house was submerged under water. He scrambled to the roof
and started praying for help. Soon a rubber dingy passed
by and they offered to take him to dry land, but he said "Thanks,
I've prayed to the Lord, He ...
0 Comments, 166 Views,
10 Votes
,0.80 Score
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TROPHY GIRLFRIEND 3/17/2005
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows
up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful
and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all
aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob, how'd you get ...
3 Comments, 228 Views,
13 Votes
,3.14 Score
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FORWARDED HUMOR 3/9/2005
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only
the Ten
Commandments, " answered the lady.
<br>
================================
<br>
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
world.
There are those who ...
0 Comments, 177 Views,
18 Votes
,0.81 Score
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Love on the Street 2/20/2005
Such as walking hand to hand, kissing in the rain, dancing
under street light.......
<br>
what reminds you "REAL LOVE" on the street ?
A tree ? a leaf ? a stone ? ..........
<br>
or what is your best memory on street about love ?
<br>
or any fantasy ? imagination ? dream that you wanna live
?
<br>
Yes. i need your feelings about love at the ...
0 Comments, 261 Views,
11 Votes
,1.48 Score
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"Language of Silence" 2/15/2005
DOES'silence' convey any message? yes, of course, says
a poet---when i recently happened to listen to a duet. When
the heroine worries that she has no words in the dictionary
to express her love, the hero comforts her by saying that
he can understand her feelings albeit her silence as it
speaks volume to him. Love may be blind but sensitive to
feelings as even"silence" speaks volume to ...
0 Comments, 231 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Reliable shoulder "TO CRY ON" 2/11/2005
FRIENDLY TRUTH: Girls are girl's best friend
<br>
An American study has apparently proved what women have
always known-----that in time of needs, women are the best
friends.
University of California psychologist followed nearly
200 women for si 6) years during their late teens and early
20's and also interviewed their closest male and female
friends during that time. It was ...
0 Comments, 288 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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NO WORDS LEFT BUT.... 2/1/2005
I thought I knew evrything.I thought I'd never cry....everyday.I
tell stories about love and life, hoping that whoever
hears it will find w/hope in there hearts and somewhere, someday, someone's
bound to come along their way and love them as they're
always wanted.
Whenever I start on a story, I always think optimistic
about evrything.I always set my mind that every tale will
lead to a ...
0 Comments, 308 Views,
5 Votes
,0.21 Score
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FORWARDED JOKE: THE DENTIST 1/28/2005
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband
is at work. Her nine-year-old year old comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's
husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The
little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says,
"Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a ...
1 Comments, 513 Views,
54 Votes
,6.61 Score
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Subject: So true > > > 12/29/2004
> While walking down the street one day a female head
of state is > > tragically hit by a truck and dies.
Her soul arrives in heaven and is > > met by St. Peter
at the entrance. > > "Welcome to Heaven, "
says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it > >
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these > > parts, you see, so we're not sure ...
0 Comments, 213 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score
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HOW WOMEN SEE MEN 12/26/2004
Men are like ...
Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite
sure why
Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
head right for your hips.
Commercials ...
1 Comments, 188 Views,
16 Votes
,1.22 Score
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JUST A BIT OF LAUGHTER 12/26/2004
MY PURPOSE IN POSTING THIS PIECE IS TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU
AND NOT TO TAKE ANY CREDIT. FOR OPENMINDED PEOPLE, THERE'S
NO BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. -Toronto/122604
<br>
<br>
What belongs to yourself, but is used by your friends, more
than by yourself? Your name.
<br>
Why is I the luckiest of the vowels? Because it is in the centre
of BLISS, while E is in HELL, and the ...
0 Comments, 203 Views,
12 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Liham para sa kaibigang minamahal 12/26/2004
Isang Makabuluhan at Maligayang Araw ng Kapaskuhan sa
iyo!
<br>
Kumusta ka na kaya? Ihanda mo ang iyong sarili sa sulat na
ito. Alam kong may mga bagay na hinahayaan na lamang malunod
sa katahimikan, mga salitang di dapat pahintulutan dumaloy
lalo’t ang magiging resulta ng pagpapadaloy nito ay pag-iwas
ng taong pinagpapahalagahan. Kaya ko naman sarilinin
ang damdamin ko ...
0 Comments, 136 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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MAY APAT NA TAKAS 12/26/2004
Ito po’y babala mula sa chief of police ng ating syudad.
Lahat po tayo ay pinag-iingat sapagkat may APAT na nakatakas
mula sa Mental Hospital at maaaring sa mga sumandaling
ito’y aali-aligid na sa ating lugar. Pinag-iingat po ang
lahat. Madali natin silang makilala sapagkat ang isa ay
nagpapanggap na siya raw po ay si Andres Bonifacio, anak-dalita.
Ang pangalawa naman ay si ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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My way, or the highway... 12/24/2004
Here's a little story which actually happened to me
a few years back. I just got home from my regular route, but
i haved been gone for 2 weeks. and when i got home, my gf at
the time called me and said she wanted to see me that night.
so i said no problem and come on over, since i just got home.
and she just came back across from mexico. she showed up
at my apartment and my roommate ...
0 Comments, 236 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
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P E A N U T S 12/22/2004
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady. She offers him a hand full of peanuts which he gratefully
munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him
on his shoulder again and she hands him another hand full
of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old ...
0 Comments, 189 Views,
24 Votes
,3.24 Score
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BODY TRADE BACK 12/21/2004
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his
wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through
so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work everday and put
in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want
her to know what I go through so please allow her body to switch
with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
<br> ...
4 Comments, 272 Views,
30 Votes
,4.91 Score
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HEALTH DIAGNOSIS 12/20/2004
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
<br>
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
<br>
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
<br>
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than ...
1 Comments, 271 Views,
26 Votes
,1.95 Score
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